Often times, in order to display your grammatical knowledge, you become lost in an essay by trying to write with flowery words. I am a victim of this tendency as well, but I have provided a before/after example of an essay that can give you an idea of how to simplify a piece gets right to the point, along with an analysis at the end.
Before:
A Process, Not an End
Synthesizing philosophical ideas from the 5th and 4th century BC with ones from the 19th century AD may initially appear to be a formidable task, but both epochs actually harmonize the multiple aspects of the illuminating moment in a human’s life, a concept that has maintained its importance in the course of history. Reading Herman Hesse’s work, Siddhartha, has enabled me to see how enlightenment is the process of reflecting on previous experiences and moments in order to understand them in a new light. By reflecting on one’s past, comparing moments of error to ones of joy, and considering these in light of future improvement, one can reach a sense of enlightenment that gives them satisfaction in their quotidinal cycle.
After his departure from Kamala and the reflection that follows in the forest, Siddhartha feels rejuvenated from life once again, noting that he had to undergo “so much stupidity, so much vice, so much error, so much disgust and disillusion and distress, merely in order to become a child again and begin afresh” (Hesse 85). Siddhartha regards the amalgamation of his past fallacies as recrudescing (in Latin, crudus, raw) moments, accepting the fact that life “runs in loops” (85). A human’s life is constructed from experiences that later cause regret, but being able to see the way in which they can contribute to growth, whether personally or in communion with others, is when enlightenment is reached. Consequently, it is a recurring process that happens multiple times throughout a person’s life, allowing for continual growth and new perspectives with every reflection.
I have also come to realize that enlightenment is a gradual process that can span the course of one’s life, acting as a term to describe a time that was illuminative in one’s world view. In Thoreau’s The Bean-Field, his cultivation of beans as the seeking of some kind of deeper knowledge brings him closer to the impossible goal of complete satisfaction with life, but the act of completing manual labor “has a constant and imperishable moral” (Thoreau 102). His outdoor travail includes allusions to past wartime references, songs, and literary works, as well as his discovery of agriculture’s interdependence with other natural species such as birds. For instance, he explains how his work brought the beans “to their wild and primitive state… [his] hoe played the Rans des Vaches for them” (102). In the same way that Thoreau discovers the potential for agricultural work to carry a more profound (in Latin, profundus, marked by intellectual depth) significance than simply growing plants as a cyclical act, I see enlightenment as a time when one understands the significance of previous actions, sees them in a new light, and then gradually gains some sense of understanding from them.
But what exactly is this understanding? As I read Plato’s Allegory of the Cave in his Republic, I saw enlightenment as familiarizing oneself with the elements that compose the natural world with the ultimate goal of applying what one experiences on earth to a sublime (in Latin, sublimis, uplifted, high) comprehension of how they relate to one another. Plato’s dialogue on the importance of education ultimately results in seeing “the sun, not images of it in water or in some alien place, but the sun itself in its own place, and be able to contemplate it” (Plato 187), alluding to God and a human’s gradual ability to understand how He relates to the objects on earth. Instead of believing in God because numerous institutions encourage me to do so, I have tried Plato’s way of overcoming confusion, Siddhartha’s manner of reflecting on the past, and Thoreau’s direct cultivation with the earth in order to reach enlightenment and truly be connected to God. By doing so, confusion regarding the purpose or significance of an object diminishes and is replaced with elevation (in Latin, elevationem, figuratively, to lighten, alleviate).
No matter the method that one takes to reach and experience it, enlightenment is a state of action or mind that a person can gradually adopt by shifting their perspective or relation with the outside world over time. Considering errors done in the past and attempting to approach life differently lead to a recurring process of enlightenment, where a person is constantly learning from the past and looking to change their future thoughts and actions for the better.
After:
An Enlightened Profession
To be a professional in a skill or job is the key to success in our current world. We are surrounded by people who place all of their energy in the mastery of one skill. Those who dedicate themselves to computer science are promised a fruitful future in the Silicon Valley, where being exceptional in a technology related domain is all that is necessary to be successful. I am considering this structure of our society as I set out to define enlightenment. Is this method of specialization the right way to achieve an inner peace or feeling often called enlightenment?
It is a start, but we need more. Enlightenment is the process of using our passions and interests to gain insight into a new way of looking at the world. Then, we work to educate others based on what we have learned. Plato, a Greek philosopher from the 5th century BC, uses mathematicians to exemplify how this works in his Republic, explaining how “the figures which they fashion and draw… they now in turn use as images, in seeking to understand those others in themselves, which one cannot see except in thought” (Plato 185). In other words, we start to understand how the world’s different entities connect to one another— and ourselves— once we deliberately take time to consider another approach to a concept. A mathematician could use a two-dimensional shape as a model for an experience that happens on earth, just as how a painter can represent his/her experience through a canvas and a brush. They do not work for themselves; instead, they hope to have an impact on the human community by using their talents to build, inspire, or change the world around them.
Eventually, enlightenment comes within our reach once we use “as images those very things which at a lower level were models” (185). What good is a pen if it is not used to write? Or a skillet if it is not used to cook? Through enlightenment, we begin to see the elements that surround us in a sublime (in Latin, sublimis, uplifted, high) way and eventually how they relate to one another. Plato defines this process as a form of education that results in seeing “the sun, not images of it in water or in some alien place, but the sun itself in its own place, and be able to contemplate it” (187), alluding to God and a human’s gradual ability to understand how He relates to the objects on earth. I do not believe in God because I have been told to do so. I believe in God because when He made Creation, He “saw that it was good,” and everything ultimately connects together in a beautiful way. Occasionally it just requires a new lens of looking at the world in order to see this beauty, the sun in its most radiant form.
Does a writer stare at a pen and see at as a piece of plastic? No— the writer sees it as a means to unlock a part of their soul and release ideas out into the world. Likewise, a mathematician does not simply consider a square as a four sided object. He elevates (in Latin, elevationem, alleviate) the square to make it an image of how shapes, numbers, and calculations fit together within human thought. Plato describes the move from the former to the latter step as education, or “the art of doing… this turning around, the knowledge of how the soul can most easily and most effectively be turned around” (188). Writers are not taught a correct, rigid way to piece together their thoughts— there is no right or wrong when it comes to expression. Instead, writers such as myself try to use pen and paper to inspire change, reach self-realization, and impact others… now that is the “turning around” that Plao describes and that professionals seek to cultivate in their work.
Sacred Heart’s little red book states that not all are scholars, not all are athletes, and not all are artists. Our community accepts students and teachers for whatever their talent may be, and seeks to push these talents to the best of one’s ability. Using our passions collectively will make a well-rounded community where each person is inspiring change in their own modus operandi (way of operating in Latin), and only in that way “will the truly rich rule, not rich in gold but in the wealth which the happy man must have, a life with goodness and intelligence” (190).
Analysis of the Differences
Hopefully, you agree with me that the latter essay is much better than the former.
Both of them are addressing the same, simple prompt: What is enlightenment? If I asked you to tell me what the first essay's answer was, you would probably need to look back at it and try to piece together a simple argument from all of the massive words that I used. In the second essay, however, you can look right at one sentence and know what it is trying to say about enlightenment.
Also, the first piece is overloaded with passive voice. I LOVE the passive voice, since it allows for complex phrases to be made (I just used it right here!) more easily, but it becomes tiresome if it is used too much in an essay. Without a doubt, I will admit that this is my weakest point in writing, since I am a fan of the third person, distant narrator. Making an essay exciting through the active tense is the easiest way to get the reader engaged.
Another interesting point to note is the use of sources between the first and the second. To try to answer the question of enlightenment in the first essay, I used three different sources and tried to draw connections between them without being fully convinced that they were even related in the first place. In the second essay, I used one source. I understand that this is not necessarily the approach that needs to be taken for an essay, especially if a teacher wants you to use multiple sources, but extraneous information needs to be eliminated to make the argument simple and direct.
Finally, you want your essay to be relatable. You want it to matter to the reader. At the end of my essay, I included a conclusion that draws on the experiences of students in my school. The end of my first essay is extremely vague, and once again, is nothing more than a compilation of a bunch of flowery words. No student or teacher (this was my audience, but for any other essay, consider who is reading it and who you want to impact) will get anything from this phrase: "Considering errors done in the past and attempting to approach life differently lead to a recurring process of enlightenment"
But, "Using our passions collectively will make a well-rounded community where each person is inspiring change" will mean a lot more for students who want to understand how enlightenment can make a difference in their lives.
It all comes down to being true to what you have to say. Slapping layers of complexity on what could be a one sentence argument won't do any good, and it won't benefit either the reader or the writer.
11/25/19